I am angry… I am angry that my innocence was taken away from me, thus warping my experience and understanding of sexuality. I am angry that the wounding is still affecting me to this day even after the therapy as a child and all the layers that I have healed from over the years — and that it has reared its ugly head AGAIN through a dream! I am angry that in the moment of that tragic event my beautiful, happy childhood memories were cut off along with those dark ones. I am angry that my husband has to endure a wound that was placed upon me as a child, fragmenting me and my image of what it means to be a woman. But what I am most angry about is that at the tender age of 9, I did not speak up to stop the attrocity  — that I hid inside my imaginative world to avoid the unwanted sexual advances taking place on my physical body. And I am angry that this scenerio has happened to thousands of women all over the world and through out many lifetimes. When is enough, enough?!

I am standing up now and saying NO, you do not get to do that to me or any child or woman for that matter. It is not okay to wound someone so deep that they have to continually face it in their life through the sexual hangups; creating the extremes within of maiden or mother, and nun or whore. Making me feel shame about my own sexuality, because it happened to me by my own family member. Thus causing arguments in my family, dividing our family into those who supported me and those who supported him. Let’s not even forget how I was not believed after it happened. I ran from the house just as soon as I could to get help from the neighbor. That neighbor, among the other women who entered the room, did not believe me except for my mother. Then the police and doctors repeatively inquired about my story, drilling me with questions. In their lack of belief of the events that took place, that it was only a molestation and not a rape, they forced me to have a pelvic exam. I kept telling them that he did not have sex with me, yet they continued to examine me. I was not heard… I was not believed. And somewhere deep inside I have taken those insensitivies and judgements outwardly placed upon me and turned them inward on myself. I have not let myself be heard, telling myself I do not have anything worthy to say. I have not believed my abilities, thus refraining from speaking from or for them.

This wounding in me that happened in this lifetime reflects the wounding that has happened through my ancestral line and throughout the world. This wounding comes from the long line of my family members who experienced sexual, physical and verbal abuse in their lives. Followed by the line of my ancestors – the women who were told to remain quiet about what had happen to them, to lie in order to not shame their families, to remain unseen and unheard in the world. Why is this okay?! It is not okay… IT IS NOT OKAY!

It is time to heal the wounds of the feminine, not only as an individual story, but the story of women all over the world from the past, present and future. It is time to speak up, say no, be heard. Let’s heal the feminine within and without. This is not a gender issue, we all possess the feminine within us and in our world. The wounded feminine is injured at various levels within all of us. It is in the perception of our mother’s, the way we raise our daughter’s, the way we raise our son’s to treat women, it is the way our father’s or father figure’s treated our mother’s. All of this has had an impact on our perception and experience of the feminine.

This wound was brought out through a dream. A dream that I just had the other day, that was connected to a series of dreams  — so incredibly powerful and so incredibly revealing. It started a month ago, when the first dream came to me about the need to heal my family and ancestry. In the dream a powerful crystalize form picked me up from my neck and held my throat so tightly that I could hardly speak. Then this dream figure showed up again on a Tarot card (from the OH deck) in which the outer layer or frame said “Powerplay” and the inner image was of a woman with a grey-ish hand covering her mouth. In that instant I knew those cards were connected with my dream, and it sent me back to that physical feeling of that entity gripping my throat. Waves of emotion poured over me as I sat with several amazing women who all unintentionally spoke of the wounded feminine in some form or another. It was coming to them through dreams, through the cards, through their daily life.

Then the big dream came the day after the gathering, that ripped this wound wide open. The dream sent me back into that feeling as a child, shutting up and methodically planning how I was going to escape from the situation as soon as possible. But in this dream, rather than the real life awake situation, I stopped the physical advances that were made. I pushed it off of me, ran out the room and slammed the bottom half of the two-piece door. I then yelled back into to the room that it was disgusting that they should ever think it was acceptable to do something like that to someone, let alone their own family member. And as I was yelling this into the room I stated that I was 21, which is considered a born-in-date in the Dibble dreamwork interpretation method. When you have a born-in-date in your dream you subtract it from your current age, which puts me at the age of 13. When I was 13, I stood up for myself when I was in a very unhealthy environment surrounded by drugs, domestic abuse and severe negativity. That moment in time was the catalyst for me to leave what was my home and three months later move to Los Angeles. That was one of the hardest things I did for myself and it was reflected in my dream. It was a point in my childhood where I stood up to voice what was wrong, and protected myself from the damage that was to come. The dream reminded me that as a child, I can and did voice my concerns in order to protect myself! Perhaps in a way my 9 year old self was able to live through my 13 year old self in those protesting words and angry demeanor.

And that is why I am writing about this now, to address my long standing anger that has been hidden away in the depths of my soul preventing me from being my true self.  I did not truly voice my anger when I was 9 and could not have known then that by not expressing my anger how it would affected me today. I no longer want to be ashamed to be a sexual woman. I no longer want to be afraid to speak my truth. So this is me exposing my wound, in hopes that this time it will completely heal. And in doing so, I hope that others can heal that piece of their wounded feminine that exist within them as well, thus healing the feminine without.

“As above, so below. As within, so without.” – Originated by Hermes Trimegistus