“I would rather have died instantly than to have my family watch me go through this!” proclaimed Bud, a father in his 60’s ravaged by cancer.
“Coming from my experience, you are giving your family a gift by allowing them to process your death with you rather than disappearing one day, leaving words and issues unspoken and unresolved. Now they will be able to slowly let go and accept your death. It took me 10 years to process my father’s death when he died out of the blue. I would not wish that on anyone!” I proclaimed, fighting back the tears.
“Oh, I guess I never thought of it that way,” sighed Bud.
That one brief conversation was one of the most impactful things I said to him on our last visit together.
I knew as I drove up to see him, that it would be the last time that we would do so when he was alive. The cancer had spread so fast after his surgery that it was only a matter of time before it would take over all of his facilities, shutting down his body.
Knowing this, I asked him if I could do a Tarotpy Reading for him – something that he probably never would have been open to before he was facing his own mortality. His question to the cards was not about his own dying process, but rather whether or not his family would be okay after he died. In his layout he created a spot for each of his immediate family members: his wife and three daughters, along with a card for finances (not depicted below).
Overall, Bud was able to see through the cards that his family would be okay, although it was clear that his wife would have much heartache to process after his departing.
I felt a relief come over him as we worked through the images, that it gave him a glimpse into the future – past the fear, past the worry, past the grief. That he could allow in some peace, that his family would recover.
Wanting his loved ones to also find some comfort, each one received a Journey Reading (smaller 2 card reading) to look into their own lives. His wife Chris, pulled one of the same cards as he did, creating a synchronistic moment that allowed her to feel connected to him and something bigger. The two daughters that were in town, their cards focused on their immediate situations in their lives.
In the end I left feeling so grateful to be there for them in their time of need, and that because of my life experience with death I could be of service in a way that was unexpected.
———~~~~~~———-
When I was young, the family on my mother’s side faced a huge divide shrinking my large family into just three of us. After that I learned to create the family that I wanted with impactful people that entered my life.
I met Deanna at the end of 5th grade. She was my neighbor and a year below me in school. She was shy and quiet, something that you would never in a million years guess if you met her today. We bonded quickly and decided that we were going to tell everyone that we were cousins. We spent every possible minute together from there on out with most of those years at her home, which is how I built a relationship with her father, Bud.
It had been many years since I had been to Sacramento, as life in Los Angeles consumed me as I aged. But that never changed my relationship with Deanna, Bud or the rest of the family. Bud had always treated me and even called me his daughter, along with telling me that he loved me.
When I found out he had passed, I was filled with grief and tears. Not only was he a father figure in my life, he passed away the weekend before Memorial Day – almost 20 years from when my father died (in 1995 after Memorial Day). I thought how synchronistic it was that out of all the months in the year, Bud died within weeks of the anniversary of my father’s death. As it was, Bud had already out lived the time that he was given by the doctor’s. He was a fighter all the way to the end.
Then I thought about our previous conversation of my experience with losing my father out of the blue verses losing my grandmother over time, and how it had impacted his thought process about his own death so much. To me, these were two synchronistic experiences around my father and him.
When I returned to be with them for the funeral, I had everyone pick a card as a divine message while I did a private reading with the last daughter. Bud’s wife, Chris, had become worried about finances in the wake of losing Bud, which had already been a concern for Bud before he died. In the mix of craziness of his departing, the herds of family/friends visiting, and putting together a celebration of his life, Chris still had a lingering concern over how the finances would all play out in the future. The message she received was thus: “Bright Future: Stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine.”
It continued by saying, “There are no tests, blocks or obstacles in your way, except your own projections of fear into your future” (Guidebook for the Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue, Ph.D., p. 73). A brightness and relief came back into her face, as she found solace in receiving this card.
With these beautiful images, words and moments, a family was able to find some comfort. If you or someone you know would like to find comfort in the process of losing a loved one or have a loved one who has passed on (whether human or animal), please contact me for an appointment so I too can help them find some peace.
Thank you to the family of Bud Gagner for allowing me to share this story. May this be an added memory to his life. xo
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Athena Kolinski, M.A.
Intuitive Reader ~ Tarotpy Practitioner ~ Dreamworker ~ Professor
Athena is a Religious Studies professor for the online bachelor’s program at University of Philosophical Research, where she attained her second master’s degree in Consciousness Studies. She also attended California State University, Northridge for her first M.A. in Interdisciplinary Studies (focus in Religious and Chicano Studies), and a B.A. in Religious Studies. Athena is a certified Tarotpy Practitioner and New DreamWork Coach, as well as an active member of International Association for the Study of Dreams (IASD).
Athena offers individual and group life guidance and dream interpretation sessions using the Tarot, Tarotpy and various dreamwork methods. In these sessions, she guides others to find answers towards their path using her intuitive/psychic abilities. She also blogs her dreams and interprets them using various methods with the Tarot. She has been a regular guest intuitive reader on “Your Life and Purpose Revealed” on Living Well Talk Radio Network, interviewed on the D-Spot by Kelly Sullivan Walden, and featured as a dream expert at the NewDreamwork Summit and NewDreamwork Day with David Dibble.
Contact Athena at: Starcarddreaming@gmail.com