All posts by Athena

Athena Kolinski, M.A., has two master's degrees, one from University of Philosophical Research in Consciousness Studies and the other from California State University, Northridge in Interdisciplinary Studies (focus in Religious and Chicano Studies), as well as a B.A. in Religious Studies from California State University of Northridge.
Dreaming & Tarot

The Organization of Me: Common Themes in Dreams

Over the course of the last month, I have hardly been able to catch one of my fleeting dreams. However, I am aware that I have been dreaming of a common theme, although I cannot remember much in regards to details. The theme has been one of organizing by either cleaning, sorting or sifting. Most of the month, if not two months, I have been cleaning/organizing a room. In awake life, my way of organizing is to turn everything upside down first. I will pull everything out of draws and sort things into piles. Then when everything has been sorted the organizing begins by gathering things in the areas that they belong and finding the best layout to fit it all in to the space that is provided. In one tidbit of a dream, I am organizing brushes and personal care items on a vanity. There is a basket with dividers and I am putting the combs with the combs, the brushes with the brushes, etc. This dream may be referencing the fact that since I have been a mom, I have put my child before my personal upkeep in many ways. It is months between hair coloring, eye brow threading and there are times when I just plain forget to brush my hair as I run out of the house for one of his planned activities. I have realized over the course of this year in particular, how important it is that I still pay attention to my “vanity” needs. By doing so I feel so much better, prettier and sexier, which in turn makes me a happier woman and my husband a happier man. There are many new moms that will tell you that they just want to feel pretty again. If ignored it will slide them into a depression, however it can be an easy fix if caught early enough (amazing what some toe nail polish, haircut and hair color can do).

The other night I remember watching the sifting of items moving from left to right, as if being moved by a powerful force like gravity. As the items moved, the larger ones were sorted out to the side, so that they rest of it could continue on in the flow. It was very reminiscent of the factory machines that sort nuts, seeds or fish by sizes so that the same sized items are together for whatever purpose is chosen for that particular size (ex. smaller seeds grounded up, larger ones sold in packets, etc). The items moving were mostly red-orange in color and a lot of the bigger items were other colors like blue. My first reaction to this dream was that I have been weeding out issues in my life, like I am refining what I need to be focusing on now. Since most of the dreams before were about larger items being organized, I feel that I have made a significant movement towards cleaning out my mind of what is no longer needed or of importance. It feels like a very spiritual movement as well. It makes me feel as if I am getting closer to having ME organized and together in a whole new way. My instinct is that the colors have to do with my chakras. On a website that discusses the chakra color meanings, it states “When you see red, consider a sonic boom of powerful action propelling you forward. Consider this the spark of action. Make this hot red heat the seat of your physical, spiritual, emotional birth. (http://www.whats-your-sign.com/chakra-color-meanings.html)”. In the dream the items are being propelled, but rather than forward, it is propelling items from left to right. That could be the movement from logic (left side of the brain) to creativity (right side of the brain). I found this article only after I had described my dream, and it completely resonates with what I was saying. This is truly the beauty of dreams, when the dream world aligns with the outside world to create a synchronistic event making you more aware of the interconnectedness. Since the color was red-orange, I also read the meaning of the color orange, the sacral chakra. It speaks about refining the creativity brought from the root chakra (red). However, my sense is that the movement of the color was coming from the opposite direction, moving away from orange and into a full red color. Like if it was quarter turned then it would be falling down and out of the body, back to the primal mother from which it came.

This thought flow leads me to connect with the events of last week when I attended a workshop of my mentor Lauren Schneider at Pacifica Graduate Institute. Towards the end of the event, she had us break into groups and pull tarot cards (this being the same way that I work with clients). Before blindly selecting the tarot cards, you must think of a question. My question was “What do I do to get things going with my career?”. Then I thought of how many cards I would need to answer this question. The first number that popped in my head was 3. I created a quick layout of how I wanted these displayed, and mapped the layout of what each card would represent. The cards were displayed in the shape of a happy face. Starting from left – right I chose the first space to represent what is in my way, the second to represent me, and the third to represent how I get there (all the placements being subcategories of the question). I blindly selected each card with the question and subcategory in mind, as if asking the cards to give me the most detailed answer that they could. Now these cards were a story tales deck (forgot the name, but not the one that I have), so they give you the answer through a fairy tale in which to learn from, in addition to a meaning suggest by the card’s guide book. The first card in the layout, the “what’s in my way” subcategory, was the 8 of Pentacles with the image referencing a story about two giants and a human of the trickster type. The meaning that the book gave was that I needed to organize and draft a plan. This card clearly supports my dreams in telling me this.

Another thing that resonated with me when researching colors in dreams, was that the color red can denote feeling tired or having a lack of energy. Which is very true in my case, but also connects to the image on the 8 of Pentacles for the subcategory of “what’s in my way” to getting my career going. In the image the giants were resting/sleeping against a large tree. The first thing that I said to the group I was working with about that card is that perhaps it is telling me that laziness is getting in my way. However, in reality I know that I am not able to really be lazy – I am always busy trying to fit in as many things in my day as I can. So really it is about my lack of energy, the constant feeling of being tired, that is getting in my way of doing things. I started working out a bit over a month ago to help with this issue, but I have yet to feel the benefit of extra energy from this active lifestyle. It is so interesting how my dream lead me to look up the meanings of colors in dreams, which connected me with the lecture that I attended last week, which then gave me insight into the card that I drew and did not completely understand at the time. This is the synchronistic way in which life works, however, most of us do not take the time follow its path. I do not do it enough myself.

So what is it about this common theme of organizing in my dreams? Well, I honestly feel like it is a purging of those things which need to get thrown out or moved aside, along with a clarity through organization of those things which I need to keep and understand. The dream theme of organization seemed to start with me cleaning large rooms and now has refined down to the smaller sifting of shapes and colors. I feel that this is a movement that is leading me to the organization of the core things in life. The feelings, ideas, priorities, etc. that have been so all over the place the last couple of years as I have tried to constantly adapt to major changes in my world (pregnancy, marriage, quitting work, motherhood, new identity, etc). I have had to look at the pieces of myself that still make sense and fit with the new me, and let others go that no longer work. Recently, I have been mourning the piece of me that was the eternal student. Going to Pacifica Graduate Institute really made me want to go back to college for my Ph.D, and live that life submersed in education. It is not like I cannot go back eventually to get a doctorate, but I missed that feeling of being on a campus and being deeply intellectually challenged. Life is an ever changing cycle of levels within ourselves, and another new me will come along in the future that can be in a place to choose that life again.

How can I now honor my dreams of organizing? In awake life I can put together a better plan on how to organize all of the things that I personally need to do for myself and career. My son’s world is pretty well organized, so I just need to better merge my needs with his. Creating a physical drafted plan that covers his activities with my career goals, can actually help me get a handle where I stand amidst all of this. Not to mention, it will show me how my time is spent and if I am making the most use of the time I have. My son is always going to be my number one priority, but my needs can also take priority in my life and do not have to throw off his world. There is room for compromise in the need for organization.

Dreaming & Tarot

Renewal of Sacred Space

 

Dream:

I was in a four story mansion that was very much shaped like a square. In the bottom level, the basement, there was an inlay where all the plumbing was located for the house. The inlay was deep and filled with water all the way to the top, which was level with the floor. Inside there were two cylinders with pipes connecting everything. The water was a green brown color and stagnant from sitting for so long. I looked closely at the water and debated touching it when the man that was with me warned me that it may be toxic. I looked at the cylinders and thought that they could contain something that was poisoning the water, so I refrained from touching it. The man and I agreed that we would find a way to get the water drained, perhaps by calling a professional. I went back upstairs to the third level when the man came to find me to show me what he had discovered in the basement. We returned downstairs and the water was all gone; the piping was dry and the room was clean. He showed me the wall that he was able to open like a “the flood gate” that he used to release all of the water from the room by sending it down the hill and into a dried pond bed. Now the pond was filled and the hard dirt around it was dry. I wanted to go down to the pond so I crawled through this small opening. I stopped before exiting completely because of drops of acid-like liquid that was dripping from above onto a cement pathway. I watched as the droplets landed on to the cement and a thick squiggly cloud rose about an inch from where it splashed. Yet even in seeing this I still attempted to dodge the falling drops of acid-like liquid to get outside. I was hit with one in the arm and another on the head. They burned when they touched my skin, only leaving what looked like a healed scar on my arm. I continued on down the dirt hill to the pond and saw that the water was a light turquoise color floating atop this thick mud. The man that I was with turned into my old boss. He told me that the water that came out of the house had renewed an old pond that was sacred to the Jewish tradition, and the mud at the bottom of the pond was actually clay which Jews used to build basinets for newborn babies. I wondered whether or not the clay had become toxic from the stagnant water which came from the house, and whether or not it would effect the new baby. He continued on about how sacred the space was, and how I just happened to bring it back to life again like it was some hidden biblical scroll lost for centuries. It seemed to me that he saw it as pure from its sacredness, so I did not mention my concern of its possible toxicity. Then I asked him if his daughter, who I am still friends with, was pregnant. I figured that was why he was so excited about making the baby basinet from the clay. He responded by saying that it cannot be announced until the sister of the baby acknowledges its existence (meaning the pregnancy). I thought that was a funny response since his daughter’s other child was four and may not even become aware of her mother being pregnant until she was showing around 6 or 7+ months. Then I pointed out to him that I know his daughter had stopped drinking diet soda for the last 4 months, attempting to prod him a bit for an answer. Again he skirted around the question and stated that it could not be said until the sister of the unborn baby says that her mom is pregnant. I assumed it was an older Jewish belief, something quasi superstitious, and let the questioning go.

 

Analysis:

When I woke up and started to replay the dream in my head, my focus shifted immediately to the stagnant water in the basement or “bowels of the house” and the wall opening like “flood gates” to release all the water. Last Sunday I became very sick stomach flu-like symptoms (but not it is not the stomach flu) that at first seems like food poisoning but then goes far beyond. Unfortunately this is something that happens about every three years or so, with no explanation from the doctor. I was so sick that after vomiting every 15 minutes or so for 8 hours, along with releasing from the other end, I finally surrendered and  went to the hospital. I was so severely dehydrated and having issues raising my blood pressure that they kept me in emergency for 9 hours. Needless to say, it was a rough couple of days, but oddly enough very detoxifying for my body. Very often a house is a dream symbol of your body, and it definitely was in this case. It is interesting to note that clay at the bottom of the pond is a very detoxifying agent that has been used for centuries for various things, but is known to draw out toxins. The stagnant water moving over the clay on the way down the hill and then collecting in the pond, allowed the water to be rejuvenated and cleansed. In this same sort of way by my body ejecting all of the “toxic waters” within, it was able to be cleansed and detoxified.

This whole week I have struggled to eat or drink much of anything as I am recovering from that whole endeavor. However, it has kept me very aware of what I have chosen to eat and drink, all of which has been healthy. My body again has been purified through this cleansing, renewing my awareness of its fragile nature. The body is sacred space. It holds this living aspect (call it self, soul, spirit) of each individual that is only capable of existing within the body that we are given at this time. I am a health conscious person, but have let stress and some non-healthy habits get the best of me these last few months. Those non-healthy habits very well could be represented in the dream by the drops of acid that fell on me as I exited through a crawl space. There was an alternative exit to go outside of the basement, but I instead chose to attempt to dart through drops of acid and become scarred from contact with it (which is how I feel about fried chicken now since I revisited it for 8 hours).

As far as the Jewish traditions go, perhaps that has something to do with my history. My first thought was about my great-great grandfather  (mother’s side) who was Jewish and came over from Austria during the Holocaust. My Aunt tells me bits and pieces about our family history, but for the most part I know very little. It wasn’t until I got into my 30’s and had a child that I realized I missed out on learning about my grandmother’s family history (father’s side), since I never asked those types of questions before she passed on. I still do have time to learn about more of my history on my mother’s side, and do not want to miss out on that opportunity.

The daughter of the Jewish man (old boss) in my dream is trying to conceive or just about to try. I sent her a text and told her that I dreamt that she was pregnant and that she wasn’t saying anything because of a Jewish custom. Haven’t heard back yet, but will be interesting to find out if she is pregnant. If it’s anything like last time, she may not be saying anything until after the first trimester or further in the pregnancy. Last time we visited we actually discussed how a few women we know posted all over Facebook that they were pregnant and then tragically lost the baby before the first trimester. Those women then had to communicate the loss of the baby on Facebook and eventually see many of those people that they would have otherwise chosen not to tell about the miscarriage all together. Perhaps its better to just wait for a while, rather than 300 of your “closest” friends finding out.

 

Tarot:

Choice of Cards: Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue (I chose the Goddess cards because they represent the sacred)

Question to the deck: Please give me more insight into this dream?

Number of cards chosen: originally one, but after seeing the card I decided that I needed more information so I chose another

Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue

 

The Goddess Ishtar

Boundaries?! How do you have boundaries and a 16 month old child? My stress build up over the last few months has been due to the attempt to find balance between building my career, raising a child, time with my husband and time for myself (oh and forget about keeping house). I almost started to envy those mom’s who had gone back to work and had gotten used to sending their child to daycare. However, I realize that whatever road is chosen by new mommies is difficult in its own way. I am at the point now where I feel comfortable with the idea of my boy attending daycare a few days a week so that I can concentrate on other areas of my life that also need attention. As of now I just cram everything in that I need to do during his naps, and hope that he will sleep about 3 hours. I have gotten very good at saying no to others, because I have no room to give to anyone or anything else. However it is those things that require my time and energy (i.e. preparing courses on a deadline, getting my blog up to speed, and my child in general) that I do not know if and how their can be any boundaries. My first job is to take care of my son and everything else seems to have to fit around that which often leaves me depleted by nightfall. I have been in the process of ensuring that I am taking better care of myself so that I can take better care of everything and everyone else, but all of this has been a slow process with set backs. The guidebook for the Goddess cards on Ishtar states “A sincere desire to give of service is wonderful. However, there is a distinction between giving of yourself and giving up yourself.” This truly has been my battle within since having a child. I am still finding my balance and will just have to continue on the course of setting boundaries for my wellbeing which will then be reflected in the wellbeing of those around me. That stomach issue that I just had I know is connected to my stress level which in turn affects my immune system. Creating and setting more boundaries between being a mother and being Athena, hopefully will help with the stress once I find a happy medium.

After pulling the Goddess card Ishtar, I felt that I still needed more information. So the next card that I blindly selected from the deck was the Goddess card White Tara.

Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue, Ph.D.

White Tara

When first seeing this card, I am reminded of the Pure Land of Mayahana Buddhism. Its a heavenly place full of bodhisattvas (enlightened beings whom may be prayed to and help people reach enlightenment), with jeweled trees, rays of light and an abundance of lotus flowers of all sizes. It is a place of reward for living the “right” lifestyle in thought, action and speech. All three of the courses that I have been working on to teach for the B.A. program at the University of Philosophical Research involve Buddhism. Specifically the Pure Land Buddhism is focused on a bit on in the course that I am personally creating, rather than the other two that I have taken over for a retired professor. The course that I have been creating has been on the back burner in order to focus on the other two courses that need to be submitted for accreditation to start up the program. It is always on my mind and I often wonder when I will get a chance to get to it. It is also interesting to note that the lotus that White Tara is sitting on is floating atop of water. Lotus flowers grow mostly in dirty, sludgy ponds and bloom into a beautiful pristine flower. It is like a pure sacred flower that arises out of even the most dark and toxic environments. In the dream the water was originally toxic, but then was purified through the clay when it flowed into the pond. It then became sacred water in a sacred location. It is also interesting to note that a pink lotus represents the history of Buddha and the path to enlightenment. Well that is a part of what I will be teaching when the B.A. program is fully up and running.

The White Tara card focuses on sensitivity. It is true that I have become increasing sensitive to everything around me. I am very particular about the TV that I watch and the people that I have around me. However, lately I have been less attentive towards what I eat, drink and the chemicals that I touch. Honestly a lot of this has to do with our current financial situation. We have been on a budget which has changed my selection of foods due to being cautious about prices. When it comes down to it, I am more concerned that my child gets organic and healthy food and skin products than myself. There are plenty of things that I could still do in our financial situation. Just choosing healthier food rather than what is easiest to make, could make a big difference. Don’t get me wrong, I am a pretty health conscious person — usually. When the stress gets to me I tend to drink more wine more often, eat more sweets and find comfort in fatty foods. As far as the chemicals go, most of my house has natural cleaning products. But there are a few chemicals that are a must have for me, like bleach and Comet, which contact could simply be avoided by just wearing gloves. I always used to wear gloves when I cleaned, and can easily fix that situation by buying some. I used to always purchase shampoo, conditioner, lotions and soaps that were made of natural products without chemicals. That changed when the budget came into effect. Now only my child gets the products without chemicals, because he deserves a healthy start to life. My awareness of chemicals being internalized through the skin has been around for sometime, but when their is only a choice between my son and me having the better products – I choose my son. I just keep thinking that I will be fine for now and eventually when the situation changes I can take better care of myself. Perhaps I need to find another way, a way to take care of both my son and myself (unfortunately my husband could care less and has his own bathroom so we don’t share products).

The Goddess Guidebook on White Tara speaks about having to purify my outer world. My first instinct about that is the detoxification process that I went through last Sunday/Monday, that was definitely started this. Now the mission is to keep it purified by being aware and avoiding taking in harmful foods and chemicals. The guidebook states “Your body is a trustworthy instrument of measurement of your tolerance level. Steer clear of that which your body signals you to avoid. Take excellent care of your body, and it shall serve you well!” The Saturday and Sunday (before getting sick that evening), I indulged in too many things. When I do want to indulge in something, I try to only have one or two and then go back to my regular healthy routine. And the funny thing is that I used to do way more indulging more often, but apparently my age and sensitivity to it all caught up with me. I am becoming more sensitive and I need to be really aware of that fact as I go forth.

There is one particular part in Goddess Guidebook that gives me more hope of a blossoming fruitful future. “You’ve stripped away the outer protective layers of unneeded defenses, which blocked your psychic and spiritual awareness. Now you’re on the path of ascension, which calls for your heightened awareness.” I have worked hard at letting go of my unneeded defenses, especially since my husband is so kind to point out my defenses to me when I am in the act of using them. Since I have become more aware, our relationship has gotten even better than it was before. Through his assistance, I have learned to spot them when they arise so that I get defensive like I used to with my friends or family. I do also feel that my psychic and spiritual awareness has increased in the last year (hmm, wonder when my friend will respond to my text about the pregnancy). Part of this requires me to treat my body better, so that my mind can stay more clear and open to this heightened awareness.

 

Concluding Thoughts

It seems that the Tarot cards focused more on the physical health aspect of my dream than anything else. Some of the Goddess cards do not have a lot of imagery, rather they just focus on the Goddess herself. That is why I could not much relate the image of Ishtar with my dream. However, the words and the meaning in the book helped me to get the message.

I had an “aha” moment the next morning before publishing this piece. The White Tara card pointed out that I was sensitive to chemicals, which led me to write about how I no longer use natural and organic lotions and shampoo/conditioner due to budget concerns. Well I realized that the falling drops of acid that hit me in my dream are actually pointing out that the lotions/soaps (symbolized by the drop of acid falling on my arm), and the hair products (symbolized by the drop of acid falling on my head) are actually affecting my body. While in the short term it may be saving money to buy regular products on the market, it very well could effect us worse financially when I have more hospital stays and my overall health becomes poor. So in order to honor my dream I did go out and replace my shampoo, conditioner, body wash and lotion with products that do not have chemicals. All of which my son and I will both use.

Dreaming & Tarot

Pi Day?!

Unknown

Who knew there was a national “Pi Day”? Well I sure did not last night when I dreamt about the symbol pi. It is the only piece of my dream that I actually remember, and in the dream I kept telling myself that I had to remember that symbol – that it would be important for me to know when I woke up. So I focused on the symbol. My first reaction to the symbol was that it was the Greek letter for pi, but then I started guessing what else it might be since it was at a distance. I wondered if it was the roman numeral for 2 (II) or was it the Hebrew symbol for life or chai. Ironically the capitalized version of the Greek letter pi does resemble the roman numeral for two and the lower case letter does resemble the Hebrew symbol for life.

Hebrew symbol for life or chai.
Hebrew symbol for life or chai.

All of this was communicated to me through a dream, much of which seemed oh so random upon waking up. But it wasn’t random at all. I learned through my lovely nerdy friends via Facebook News Feed (no offense ladies and gents – just not something most people would know, including me who is a different type of nerdy), that TODAY of all days is Pi Day!

In a million years, I would have never thought that their would be an interest in celebrating the symbol pi which represents the circumference of a circle that’s number goes to infinity. Perhaps to mathematicians and physicists, it is a concept to be amazed by because the number never repeats itself. This sequence of numbers may be like a beautiful painting to an art lover, the concept of God’s divine love by spiritual seekers or an awe-inspiring theory to a philosopher. Apparently Pi Day also celebrates the birth of Albert Einstein’s, which makes the mathematical significance to celebrate more intriguing.

Well why did I have this dream last night? Of course it was to tell me to celebrate Pi Day — NO, I don’t think so! Although I do have deep respect for Albert Einstein and appreciate learning that today is his birthday so that I may consciously think of him, there are other layers of this pi left to examine. Albert Einstein was said to have gotten so deep into his mathematical theories and equations, that towards the end of his life he began to believe in the concept of God. Personally, I have always felt that math/physics and religion/spirituality run on a parallel path right next to each other. Both reaching for the same comprehension of the world, but neither seeing the other. Someday, those two paths may actually cross or become apparent to more people in the world. There are some, like Amit Goswomi, a theoretical quantum physicist, who envision this type of idea. (I actually took two quantum physics courses taught by Dr. Goswomi as part of my master’s program at UPRS. That stuff will blow your mind and is not easy to keep up with when your highest math courses were the basics that got you out of college.)

I feel that this dream happened this way in order to grab my attention again. To remind me that I am still connected to the larger consciousness that has me subconsciously knowing that the symbol pi would be important for me to remember today, so that I could have a synchronistic moment between my dream and waking life. For days I have been focused on the desire to remember a dream so that I could reawaken my dreamwork side and blog. My dreams tend to slip away from my memory every morning when my child’s whine wakes me up from sleep. Then it is pop out of bed, although I try to do my prayers every morning first, and immediately attend to the needs of my child until nap time arrives. By then I cannot even grasp on to a fragment of my dream, and another day goes by without me writing or doing dreamwork.

Since the pi symbol represents the circumference of a circle, I am drawn to thinking about the image. A circle has so end and no beginning. The circumference is measured by drawing a line to dissect the circle in half. Well that image connects me to my thesis that I use to give presentations and workshops at IASD. That workshop is very much on my mind at this time since I am making preparations to head to Virginia this June to give my first 1 1/2 hour workshop at this conference. The image of a dissected circle is used in my PowerPoint to discuss Joseph Campbell’s theory on the “Monomyth”, in order to present the Tarot as a pictorial mythology that should be looked at as a circle in which there is really no end to the amount of times we may travel around and around in a spiral, hopefully ascending to a higher level spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. The pi number has no end, just as I view our cycle through this spiral of life, and it never repeats the sequence of numbers as life has so many mysteries awaiting at every turn.

The Hebrew symbol chai meaning life is important in Judaism. It reminds those of the Jewish faith to enjoy life and is often used in context of wishing for good things to come in the future. Here is to hoping that this dream was an omen of good fortune in my future, mostly in the reference to my career in dreamwork and teaching. So l’chaim!

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Lecture:  The Major Arcana of the Tarot is an empowering tool to map out one’s personal quest for wholeness by correlating dream symbols and images with archetypal images of the tarot; thus pinpointing where they are now and are heading towards in both dream and waking states.

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Dreaming & Tarot

A New Set of Tools for an Old Relationship, Part 2

 

Considering so much time is past since I first published “A New Set of Tools for an Old Relationship, Part 1”, it seemed that this dream should be analyzed in two parts to not only reflect the gap of time but the new developments that arose in between the start and finish of its analysis. Life seemed to overtake me with its challenges the last several months, which led to my hiatus. Finally I am feeling like there is light at the end of the tunnel, but do not see myself being able to post articles daily at this point (although that is my goal).

I had this dream on June 15 but it took me quite a while to complete part 1. In fact, the tarot cards for the dream weren’t pulled until the 25th of June when I was on a plane to the IASD conference. After the conference, I spent a series of days diligently working on getting it together until July 10th when I received a lawsuit from my ex, Sol. It really took me off-guard because I thought the legal issues were over as of July 1st. I knew that we had some minor cleanup to do that month, but nothing that required us to attend a court hearing. It made me realize an additional layer to White Tiger 6 . In the image the back end of the tiger was still on the other side of the river. It was alluding to the tail end of the disagreement that still had yet to be overcome. But as the river did not require the lion to take a huge leap or bound to cross it – only a small extension of the leg, the final debunking email to clear up the loose ends was not as overwhelming as I had anticipated (although as a new mother and a potential professor creating a course, adding this additional element to my world did increase my stress level). The Hermit card in the spread also resembles the river of White Tiger 6. It clearly divides the one side featuring the two tigers from the other side featuring the two dragons. Perhaps that is why I had such a difficult time deciphering The Hermit preventing me from proceeding forward since I had yet to close that chapter on my history. Thank goodness that at the last minute the court hearing was cancelled and the suit was dropped. Finally I can say that after over 5 1/2 years it is really over! It’s just that I was disappointed several times when it appeared to be finished, which is why I have been hesitant to breathe a sigh of relief so quickly this time.

Analysis Continued:

Green Dragon 9 was pulled for the portion of the dream in which Sol and I were discussing the past. In this particular card the dragon either appears to be setting on a roof of a house or on a fence . It’s difficult to tell from the perspective of the picture whether or not the roof of the house is actually taller than the dragon, and perhaps if we knew whether he was on the roof of the house or a fence we could make a more proper assumption. The rooftop foreshadows the end of the dream. One of the first things that comes to mind is my grandmother’s house that was a big part of the legal battle between my ex and myself. In fact in the dream Sol brings up the “way I had things ready”. He was referring to the fact that his stuff was packed into boxes before I had told him our relationship was over. However the reality of the situation was that I had painted the room so both of our things were in boxes. But in the dream I didn’t want to get into those details. I didn’t want to get into all of the muck that was as deep and thick as quicksand; it would have just sucked us into a very messy conversation. After over 5 years since we separated, most all of the details about how things ended are not as clear in either of our minds as they were in the moment. Just as Green Dragon 9 makes it difficult to see which is the illusion, I am drawn to imagine both sides of the perspective in order to find the truth. In the card the dragon appears to be taller on the house; however if I was standing where the house was then the Dragon may appear shorter than the house. If I was able to stand in between the house and the dragon, they may even turn out to actually be the same height. My conclusion then would be that I need to remember and speak from that knowledge that there are dual perspectives that both represent the truth from the angle which they are viewed, but the real truth lies in the middle. The Feng Shui Tarot booklet states “Avoid the impulse to get overly involved. Contemplate all that has occurred. Cultivate your sensitivity and learn how to go above and beyond.” I think that that’s really the way to go even today when people mention something about him – I need to steer clear of getting involved in the emotions that can rise from that conversation. Now that it’s finally over I can finally step completely back in order to heal from it. Over the years I have been able to take his perspective more into consideration, but because it only recently ended as of this September, I have not had the closer that allows for real reflection. The booklet also mentions that I feel the need to protect my sense of security which in turn holds me back from my full potential. I do agree that I am now and have been doing that. For example, I have never actually marketed my blog to my friends – only to those who attended my presentation at IASD. Honestly, in writing this I am exposing that side of me that I have kept on low profile and really only shared with my small circle of friends. Here I am now sharing this with the whole world (not that the whole world is reading this but it’s available to the whole world), and I am stepping out of my comfort zone by sharing this. Sharing this will aid my road to recovery from a very difficult life choice, as well as it requires me to be really honest about my dreams allowing the potential of this dream analysis to hit home for someone else. It’s not always pretty when you now analyze your dreams because you have to be honest with yourself, and you have to be willing to expose your yourself to others.

I pulled Green Dragon 3 in reference to the portion of the dream where Sol and I are on the rooftop. In the card the dragon appears to be guarding this large ruin like stone. Interestingly enough the Chinese writing on the stone looks as if it is the letters “EX” . The ruin stone is a tool for communication, while at the same time a sacred tool for divination which deserves to be protected. The word/s on the stone is visible to anyone standing in its presence may gain wisdom from it, but the green dragon protects it from being taken away. I do not believe that Sol and I will ever actually have a conversation in real life. Nor do I believe that we will ever be acquaintances, especially in a way in which I would feel comfortable with introducing him to my child. But in my dreams we can be anything I want and that is how I will heal our real life altering exchange. This blog and dream analysis are my words, my perspective, my healing road that I hold as sacred. The memory of our relationship will continue to fade with the years but what I’ve learned from the ending of it will stay with me for a lifetime. In my greatest pain has come my greatest wisdom and from that I am a better wife, mother and friend. All around I am just a better me. The Feng Shui booklet also mentions that my efforts are being seen and prosperity will follow from them. Finishing this dream analysis has been a huge effort for me, which has been heightened by the new changes over the course of this year and forward momentum towards my career. My efforts toward the newer court case paid off by having it cancelled without attending a court hearing. On the reverse aspect of the meaning it discusses the necessity to put forth more effort by creating a solid foundation. I very much know that this is in regards to the blog. By finishing this it can open the doorway to new dreams that reflect the healing of the past and the focus of the future. The Hermit and Green Dragon 3 similarly talk about the need to make a plan and lay it out in a way that builds me up in order to create the future that I really want.

 

Dreaming & Tarot

A New Set of Tools for an Old Relationship, Part 1

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The plan was to begin this blog on the first of June, however, being a new mother of a six month old my first thought when I wake up is my child – not trying to remember my dream. Which by the way is ironic considering I am doing a blog about dreams and the tarot. Over the course of the last 15 days I have only remember pieces of a few dreams and nothing that has really woken me up in a while. So my plans for the first day of blogging changed to the 15th of June and would be with our without a fleshed out dream. I kept hoping and asking for a dream for this day. What I got is not at all what I wanted to start out with in my blog! However, my dreams are more aware of what I need then my waking state – so in my dreams I do trust your wisdom for this day and the start of my blog.

Dream:

I am in the city with some friends. Somehow I know that my ex, Sol, is in the same vicinity and we are merely crossing paths. I see his path as a triangle. I heard that his mother owns a nail shop in this small inside mall type of place. I am curious about what it looks like and ask my friends to come sneak a peek of it. We are directed to a hallway that almost spirals in on its self to the shop. Dragon is in the name of the shop (not sure what the other word was in the name). We peek in to see that it is a shabby little hole in the wall shop that looks like an old Chinese food restaurant with a picture of the dragon on the sign. We turn around to leave.

Then I am with a group of friends that are taking me on some type of trip. Somehow Sol has gotten the group to agree to take him too. It almost feels like a group trip that you would take in college to go to another country or state. I am surprised that he is coming and uncomfortable about it. In the next scene, Sol has cornered me in a small bathroom with the door open. He is standing in front of the opening and I am close to the sink and toilet. The walls are a bright sunny pastel yellow and the fixtures are white with a white door. He comes to talk to me about being on the same trip as me. I tell him about my dog Halo (German Shepard), who was his and his families before, that she is not doing well. As I tell him about her refusing to take her pills, struggling to walk and having kidney problems, he and I both get sad with tears in our eyes. Then he turns into a German Shepard that is mostly black with brown accents (much like the other dog we owned, Ranger, who passed away several months after our separation), so I sit on the toilet to pet him as he rubs his face all over me.

He brings up his sister, which saddens me and I move towards the corner of the bathroom looking down as I tell him that I miss her still. He knows that she still cares for me deep inside, while alluding to the fact that she doesn’t speak of it or show it. Then he says that they talk about me, to which I respond, “Yes.. talk shit about me”, as I move to the sink with my face hung low. Then I am brushing my teeth with a white toothbrush. He responds that it was just the way that I had everything ready. I go to rebut his statement, and then stop myself and reply that it has been 5 years and I don’t remember the details of it all as clearly as I did. I tell him that I do not want to get into the past. He agrees. I am cleaning the toilet with a white toilet brush.

He looks at me in the eyes and in his look I can see that he still remembers the love that we once had for each other, and it softens the moment. He tells me that he wants to let go of the past and start a new relationship of being civil with each other. I want that too but stutter trying to say what I feel, not wanting to admit that I want the same. Then I manage to tell him that I would like that too. In my mind I think about how I too would like to be able to pass by him on the street and say a quick hello/how are things, instead of avoiding each other like the plague and despising each other as an arch nemesis.

As we are talking I take the toilet brush and my toothbrush and put it in the bag I am carrying. I realize how gross that is to have those two brushes together in the bag, and decide to throw both of them away in the trash thinking that I will get new ones later. Next we are on an open roof top in what reminds me of the weather in England/Scotland (overcast cloudy layer with brisk air) talking. We now begin to speak as if we were old acquaintances/friends. All of the sudden I hear my baby cry through the walkie talkie that I have in my hand, and remember that I am a mother. So I tell him that I have a son and ask if he would like to meet him. That takes him back and he replies that he is not ready for that now. I tell him how my son looks like me, and someday I would like Sol to see him.

First “Aha’s”:

I know that Sol and I cannot have this friendly relationship in real life, but at least in my dreams we can be. It gives me a sense of peace within I can look at our old relationship from a new perspective. I want to remember him with a fondness for the reasons that brought us together, not the ugly way it unraveled over the course of so many years. The toothbrush and toilet brush really stood out because they seem like such random things in the midst of this dream. However, they are very significant. I am brushing my teeth when I speak of knowing that his sister is talking crap about me. Then clean the toilet when we get in the conversation about the past. I am reminded that I too have spoken a lot of negative words and have given them crap as well. It was time for me to clean my mouth and my commode (the place that has received my crap). Then I took those tools and threw them away because they were contaminated, and I no longer wanted to carry them around with me. Upon throwing them away Sol and I were moved from a small cramped “waste” room to an open roof top where we could see the city, breath fresh brisk air, and speak to each other as acquaintances. We had moved forward from the past and had a greater perspective of where we are in the world.

This dream also comes at the close of Sol and my real life legal issues. At the end of this month we will be done with our dispute and dissolve the old ties. Both he and I will be able to move on with our separate lives completely, no longer having the past hanging around us on legal documents. The Scotland/England dream weather puts me back to the place where it all ended with us in this physical life, and now is where we can start again.

I also see the dream at another level regarding my career, considering that I did ask for a dream for this blog. I have spoken many words (brushing teeth, toothbrush) but most of it has gone to waste (toilet, toilet brush) because I have not written those words. There are so many days where I have had written my dream analysis or sections for my book — only in my head! My old ways and tools (like remembering) have wasted my efforts and time away. In addition to that, blogging is a new method of communication for me. I am opening myself up to the view of the whole world, as well as changing my tools from documenting dreams in a journal (contained space of the bathroom) to seeing the greater perspective of what my dreams can help me accomplish (i.e. standing on an open roof top).

Tarot:

For this dream I do not have a direct hit on any particular card that I should pull, but rather a deck that I should use. The dragon stood out as being the key and therefore I will be using the Feng Shui cards. I decided to use the method of shuffling the cards as I replay my dream in my head and either blindly pull out or use any that drop from the deck. The first one fell out of the deck as I was shuffling – White Tiger 6 (aka 4 of Swords). It depicts a white tiger crossing a creek with half of its body on one side and half on the other.The side that it is leaving has clouds on it and the side it is crossing to seems to have taller grass. I reminded of a couple of dreams I had when we were deep in the legal battle. In one dream my cat Cheena, who I got when we were together, was cut in half by a sliding closet door; in the other she had the rear part of her burnt in a house fire that she quickly recovered from (By the way, I call Cheena my Tigeress). I always saw those dreams as symbolic of the dividing up of property between Sol and I, since Cheena was technically both of ours at one time. He always had the back end (toliet?) while I had the front half (mouth/toothbrush?). I feel like this signifies the crossing over from the clouded part of my life into a lush and clear perspective. The book to the deck of cards states that the worst is over, and dwelling in the past will inhibit my new goals. I should disconnect from the past negativity.

The next card I pulled was White Tiger 4. Ironically I chose this card twice because I stuck it in the deck again before I was done picking all of the cards for this dream (should leave them out until finished choosing). I pulled this card for both the symbol of the dog and the dragon in the dream. It is the picture of a tiger on the other side of a bamboo fence staring intently on two little beautifully colored birds. At first I could not tell which was being contained, the birds or the tiger. But based on the large separations in the fence and the height of the fence, I know it is not the birds – they can fly away anytime they like. However I am not sure that the Tiger is completely trapped in a confined space or he just happens to be walking along the fence line of someones property. My first thought is remembering how Sol’s mother use to have stuffed animals that symbolized every family member – all of them being some big cat such as a lion or tiger (and since her family was pretty big there was a large pack of these big cats). When Sol and I got serious, his mother told me that she would find a stuffed animal to symbolize me. The day came when she showed me the one that she had found to represent my personality – it was a white domestic house cat from the Aristocats movie (not street smart, naive, and sheltered in luxury – ironically not at all like me). I should have known then that is how they would view me for my entire relationship with Sol, but I am pretty sure during the legal battles they got to see that I was really a Mountain Lion (a genetically close relative of the domestic cat). So if he and his family represent the white tiger, then I am the birds on the other side of the fence. We will always be on different sides of the fence about the way it all went down. However, I am free to fly away, land anywhere I want to be and view the world from a greater perspective, while they are confined to only view from the earth bound perspective and limited in exploring the world by man-made dividers. Since I did pull this card under the request to understand the dragon and the dog symbolism in my dream better, I will have to view this card in that context as well. Originally Sol’s family owned Halo and Ranger and they were confined in a very small kennel for two large dogs on the side of the house. When his parent’s asked us to take the dogs because they were moving, Halo and Ranger were able to freely roam the entire yard. Eventually when they calmed down, they became inside/outside dogs and a closer part of our family. So I see the Tiger as representing the dogs confinement prior to me, and their freedom symbolized by the birds, when they came to me. I have given them a good life that they have enjoyed until their dying days. In regards to the dragon in my dream based on this card, I feel it is speaking to me about Sol’s mom whom also collected dragon statues. She is the matriarch of the family and was always the underbelly current of the family with or without them being conscious of it. Should I have relations with anyone even in the extended family, she will be watching or somehow know. The book from the deck speaks of changes that are happening but not completely solidified, and for me to take my time moving forward. I think this is in regards to both with my past relationship with Sol and my blog. Although I would love to write a blog every day, in reality I cannot live up to that at this time in my life. I am still adjusting to being a mother, and I enjoy really digging into each dream on many levels.

As I am shuffling and get to the part of the dream about Sol’s sister, The Hermit card comes flying out. I am a bit perplexed by this card; nothing comes to mind instantly. The Hermit holds a lantern in the darkness. Perhaps it is the little bit of loving memory that she still holds onto. I remember when I told her that I was going to leave Sol. She was so understanding and thanked me for being so good to him for the majority of our relationship. I was shocked to hear her say that, but relieved to have been seen, even for a moment, for how I had been to him for so many years. The Hermits robe is mostly black and white with some bright red flowers about it. Sol’s sister was very black or white when it came to the matters of the family, and which side she would reside on at the end. It may sound strange, but I respect her for who she is even if she talked crap about me or shared every secret I ever told her. She was always who she was and I knew how she would be once it ended – because she never hid her opinion or backed down from her stance. As I look at the circular shield that has the design of a wheel on it, I remember the saying “what comes around, goes around”. There are parts of the end of the relationship that I handled very poorly and learned from the hard way, but there are other parts that were going to end badly either avenue I chose. My savior through the rough years of the legal battle was finishing my course work and thesis at University of Philosophical Research. The wheel depicted on the shield represents the Eightfold Path to help people walk the “Middle Way”. The Eightfold Path consists of the: right view, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right contemplation. I too need to walk the middle path between hate and love, blame and guilt, sadness and joy when it comes to Sol and his family. More than that I need to be mindful of what I say, think, do, etc when they come up in conversation or thought. Once I find that equanimity within, I can really move on without. The booklet on the Hermit card states that this card is about planning in order to create success for my career (Hint: Always read the tarot explanation of the cards booklet after you have first analyzed the cards so that you are not swayed from what you see. The booklet should be used as an additive to your understanding – not as THE ANSWER. Reading both the upright and reversed meaning can help you get an overall understanding of the negatives and positives of the situation.) Well since I pulled this card with Sol’s sister in mind and the fact that this the first dream I used for my blog, I suppose that it is also suggesting that I should utilize some of the strengths that I appreciated about her to do this. The notion that she was always direct and upfront with how she felt about issues is one that can be useful to me hear in my blog. Just based on the fact that I went ahead and wrote this for the world to see, is a good start. But it is also more than that – I need to create a plan to get this blog up and running more consistently. In the process, I need to let go of my self-doubt and apprehension about how, what, when, etc. In fact, I have not even marketed this to my friends and family yet because I haven’t been able to be as consistent with this blog as I want to be. It needs to happen.

Next two cards will be analyzed in Part Two of this article.

“Aha’s” throughout the day:

For the past few months I have been working on creating a course for the University of Philosophical Research (UPRS) that I would teach next year when they get their Bachelor’s program up and running. I recorded the first lesson to send in as a sample to UPRS, and have been transcribing the darn thing for weeks. It takes me about 45 – 1 hour to transcribe 5 minutes of the recording. Its not that I don’t type fast, its just that I have to keep going back to hear everything since I talk way to fast on the tape. The whole lesson is approximately an hour long and I only get usually one day a week if I’m lucky of someone babysitting my son so that I can just focus on the task at hand. Needless to say, I realized today that I cannot continue down this road for the other 9 lessons, as well as create other courses with 10 lessons like this while being a stay at home mom. I started seriously looking into transcribing and/or dictating options. I was reading about Dragon Dictation, when I got the hit. First of all my dream referenced a dragon in the dream title of Sol’s mother’s nail shop. It hit me, my old “shabby” way of doing business needed to be replaced with the new tool of Dragon Dictation. I have been wasting (toilet reference) so much time transcribing my work, when I could be using this new system that lets me speak while it types my lecture for me. It will be so much faster and easier for me to be hands free while trying to create a lecture and take care of my child. I may be able to sneak in a few more hours during the day to get the first few lessons done by the middle of next month (as a new mother, I have little energy at night to work on it once my son is asleep). So this Dragon Dictation is my new tool for my old relationship with dreamwork, and a new tool for my very old dream of being a professor of world religions. I was also reminded that the image of the dragon from my dream, as well as the nail shop looking like a Chinese restaurant is referencing that we are in the Year of the Dragon.

When I was choosing an image to represent this dream, I googled the words “new tools”. The images led me to the one I have chosen of a hand with various “new” tools to communicate. The title was “New Tools for a New Year: Communication”. The title ties perfectly into this dream analysis. It displays the various types of social media that are available to communicate. This blog has opened me up to new social media outside of Facebook and Skype, that will help me communicate with the world through this blog. This picture led me to think of the transit of Venus and how it is said to open lines of communication. In my dream, I was actually able to communicate with Sol in order clear the air with him in my mind.